I haven't written one of these entries in a while. This series was originally titled Food Confessions of a Working Mom. Well, life is funny. About a year ago life took me away from Yumology, away from the test kitchen and into a full time job. About a month ago life decided to hit the reset button and yank me out of my full time job and throw me back into the test kitchen. Whiplash much?
Confession: I'm not a stay at home mommy and I feel guilty.
Even though I lost my job we decided that our delicious baby boy would best be served still going to daycare full time. He was thriving at school and we didn't think it right to punish him for something he had no control over. Why should he miss out on circle time, recess and arts and crafts just because mommy lost her job? We tried part-time daycare for a couple of weeks but he didn't react well to the erratic schedule. Night terrors resulted and it was painful to watch him suffer the consequences of my own selfish decisions.
I've heard so many people wonder why my child is still in daycare when I am now home to take care of him. Believe me, I have asked myself the same thing. I feel like I should have my son home with me. That's what being a stay at home wife and mother is all about, isn't it? If you read those last two sentences you'll realize just how selfishly oriented those thoughts are. Nowhere in those sentences do I take what's best for him into consideration, do I care about him missing out on making friends, learning new things and developing important social skills. Nope, all I care about in those two sentences are how I feel and what I need to define my existence. Where does the guilt come from then? It's a strange roller coaster of emotions Yummies, and I'd say the guilt is spurred by other people. Yuck.
Confession: I'm scared I'll let people down.
My husband has always been a huge advocate of my creativity and ambition. I think he believes I have something significant to contribute. I want to believe he is right. I left a career I loved to follow my husband on his professional journey, a decision I am still thrilled I made to this day. Unfortunately, while his career had seen wild success mine has struggled. Unlike Stella I never got my groove back. It's been tough. It's made me question my standards, my motives, my goals more than anything. Lucky for me Yumology has been born out of this chaos and it has given me a reason to get excited and examine boundless possibilities. A blank canvas that I am grateful my husband supports as I create. I do not want to let him down.
Confession: I'm frustrated.
I began Yumology back in 2011 as a hobby, a sanctuary where I could get creative online as well as in the kitchen. The marketing person in me loved building the brand, and the communications person in me has enjoyed the reaction it has spurred amongst readers, amongst you. The selfish and impatient part of me gets frustrated sometimes. I see other food blogs, other cooks, other writers and I envy them. I envy their success, their audience, their websites, their revenue and I want more. I want more readers, more likes, more followers, more pins, more recognition, more money and I want it now. Yuck.
Confession: I am so lucky.
Progress is slow Yummies but I have an amazing support system in my husband, my child, my family, my friends and you. We all want more but the reality is Yummies, for me, this is enough. You are all enough. Rachael Ray and Giada de Laurentis may have thousands upon thousands of followers but I've got you. I've got a few hundred people who make my life, my passion, my journey a part of their daily routine. It's a beautiful thing. You keep me going. You shine through the doubt, the fear, the selfishness. You are delicious and I can't thank you enough.